June 16, 2009

This painting, truly, truly, ‘lived into’…more than any other.  An amazing, miraculous, unfolding.  One pulse after another…followed from beginning to blessed end…

From my journal…May 9, 2009:

Sitting here, imagining myself with my beloved community at our June gathering, telling my story, the story of my heart, which began on my birthday, February 9, 2009…(or is that 1957?)

Hearing my doctor’s words “You have it”…Hypertrophic Obstructive Cardiomyopathy.  A heart condition, inherited from my mother.  My doctor ending the call with “I’m so sorry”…a death sentence…that’s how I heard it.

Two weeks of waiting, scouring the internet for anything I could find. Every symptom, every related condition. Fear.

Met with cardiologist #1…detached, condescending, shocking references to breast cancer that sent me into more terror. Will need to reduce my physical activity. His hurriedness, his lack of attention, his total lack of comfort or reassurance. Total overwhelm. Tests.

Stress test…great news.  Heart physically unaffected during exercise. Relief, hope.  Heart monitor captured a Ventricular Tachycardia…his consulting with an electrical specialist…defibrillator?  No, come back in a year.

I need a new cardiologist.  #2…calmer, more spacious, much better fit for me. She’s uneasy.  She recommends a defibrillator.  Tears, expression, fear, questions…courage. Refers me to another electrical specialist to confirm.

More waiting. New healer, new nutritionist, my spiritual mentor…my team is growing.

“Fear is the natural response as we get closer to the truth”…Pema Chodron…those words ringing in my ears.  My heart is in fear…has been for so very long.  The weariness of holding the secret…holding the burden…too  much.  Refusing to keep this secret any longer. I know what I need to do.

My public ‘coming out’…my exhibit in support of Sexual Abuse Awareness Month…exposing my paintings for what they really are.  A reflection of my healing…my healing from the memories of childhood sexual abuse…confusing memories, partial memories…

Also, coming out to my family…making call after call…relieving myself of this burden.  Breaking the pact that was taken on by a little girl, an honorable little girl, who thought she’d done something wrong.  Setting my heart free.

A shift happening…facing my fear of men…feeling a new acceptance, a new trust of men.  An amazing healer…a man.  Other men showing up in a new way.  This is not a coincidence.

My prayers for a miraculous cellular realignment of my heart…

Do I dare believe in miracles?

Do I dare risk disappointment?

If I were to receive a miracle, what would I have to give up?  What would that mean?  What could I no longer ignore or deny about mySelf? What would my life look like?  What would I be devoted to? Is this a test?  Is this an initiation?  Then again, if the miracle does not occur…why would I imbue the mysteries of this life with any less wonder and awe?  Why would I imbue my life with any less opportunity, less joy, less freedom, less love?

What is the heart of the matter?

May 19, 2009

My new canvas…teal and gold…meeting in a yin/yang kind of way.  Perhaps this is an integration of some kind…a new found trust in the divine masculine.

Adding the “she”…the “me”…arms up overhead…”jubilation”

The bluffs, lit from behind. Birds chattering away. Soft music. Gratitude for this beauty. I so do love my life, this earth; my heart breaks to think I’ll have to leave it some day. It’s so glorious. I am so fortunate to have this place.  “Haven of my Heart”.

Feeling a deep desire…a new “something about now”…The power, the contentment, the full breath. The “no where to get to”…the relief in that, the pleasure. It feels new.  The phrase “being in the moment” always feels trite…but right now, I’m feeling it.  There is truly no where I’d rather be.  There is no where to get to.

May 23, 2009

Final test recommended by the electrical specialist…an MRI.  Now, to wait for the results.  Will it be a clear answer?

Feeling many stirrings these past few days. Thoughts about death, leaving my body, leaving the earth…does coming to terms with death bring you closer to death? Invite death? Illness?  Superstition….

“Jubilation” this new painting…setting her on the altar as I leave for the week…can this be me…is this me next week…will the MRI set me free?

Jubilation despite circumstances. Despite others, despite outside influences, despite what “they” say. Jubilation despite health issues that supposedly exist. Jubilation just because I can.  Jubilation as a choice. Jubilation while I wait. Jubilation simply by being here now. Nothing else even exists.  Truly…there is nothing, except this moment. Self generated jubilation. Cellular jubilation.

Unencumbered…an unencumbered life…my prayer.

Cautiously optimistic…not quite jubilant…

May 28, 2009

“The results of your MRI show no cellular irregularity…I would not give you the diagnosis of Hypertrophic Obstruction Cardiomyopathy…” my lovely, amazing, tenatious, thorough, partner of the heart….

How do I digest these past four months?

The fear factor, my “coming out”, all of it?

I received my miracle.

I painted my future.

Now, who am I to be?

I long for integration.

June 16, 2009

I’m free…

This was a miracle that dared to be prayed.

This was a grand initiation.

A fine tapestry of happenings…

God’s plan…

The integration continues… it truly is a New Day.