May 2010

From my journal…

“The evening has blossomed into pure beauty. Every thing settling down…getting quiet. Sun setting behind the bluffs. Cooling down. What do I need?

Feeling my love for this place, this hilltop,  the love I feel, just being here. How time seems to stand still here. I can breathe, I’m free…fluid…available to “hear” myself…the little whispers that arrive so easily…pure pleasure.”

Summer Seduction

We’ve been waiting…

Longing for

The Heat

Balmy breezes

The sweet, musky bouquet in the air…

To catch us off guard…so luscious

Bare feet, bare shoulders

Fresh, vibrant landscapes

Feathered little beings bathing in the afternoon sun

Their pure pleasure, unaware of our witness

The welcome cool down of sunset

Earth’s refreshment

Sensuous

Kissing our skin

Awakening our senses

Soothing our soul

“The Promise of Spring”

The cloak of winter is lifting

Dark is dissolving into light

Unborn creativity is stirring

Awaiting the full breath of spring

It’s time….

To shed your skin, interrupt patterns

Awaken something new

Hear the whisper of your deepest longings

Remember the sweet melody of your essence

Celebrate yourSelf

I began these home page posts with the intention of announcing each new painting as it arrived, with some of my journaling that came with it.  Well, that is just no longer happening…I’ve skipped, gone back, and now, am just plain behind…

This dream-like beauty came last summer as a result of great love…between two people and my love for them.  Please read some of my journal entries about it’s creation…

“The Mystic and the Mermaid”

June 9, 2009

Thinking this morning about the wedding…had thought about a painting arriving.  That would be amazing.  Sacred union…

Feeling so very fluid…dancing.  The full breaths of life are so moving, bring tears.  The pleasure of having a body.

Feeling a tremendous desire and longing to paint.   “The Mystic and the Mermaid”…name arriving first (?) Almost unbearable pleasure at the thought.  Where to start?

Canvas covered…beautiful “color of the bride”  aqua.

I’ve been drawing mermaid tails…would love one to arrive.  Not working. I feel a little cursed by the name showing up. That’s got to go. Feeling the music pulse fading  out a bit.  Don’t want it to go…

Multi-layered sponge effect background. How to be with this canvas? Need to keep letting go of the “name”…but I’m in love with the image of a mermaid tail.  Painted a tail…erased a tail…

Essence of Mermaid…Essence of Mystic…where do they live?  Between thoughts, between pulses, between impulses, in the mist… “In the mist”…I love that.

June 17, 2009

Here with “The Mystic and the Mermaid”. The name…the pressure… Can’t paint from there. Need to let go.

Two hearts…scrubbed off.   Trust. Forget everything I know. The essence of the mystic and the mermaid…in the mist…what will arrive?

The tail…without thought. Well, without too much thought.

So, mermaid appearing, now what? Mystic…the mist…move….

Blue green heart shape appeared.

Where do I meet the edge of knowing?  I’m worried that this painting will be too feminine. I feel like a second heart needs to come…bigger, or smaller?  Please, emerge from the mist…

Larger heart appears from behind.

Added white caps on large heart, now, nothing.

Painted over/removed the tail.  Back to two hearts, now what?

June 23, 2009

“Saw” the hearts being the center of a massive tail.  Sketch several…won’t work from here.

What is my heart’s desire right now? What do my hearts desire, right now?

June 24, 2009

The tail emerged. Fluid…”underwater” looking…

Suddenly feel fear…a clutch…a “what if I don’t like it when it’s done…” how could I ever give it?

Cautiously Optimistic… tried a few bubbles in the name of  “whimsy”…didn’t work…had to go.

That’s all for today. Can feel the “good bye” quality of the fading pulse…some sadness. But also the sense that it’s just beyond, waiting to reappear…

June 30, 2009

I need Mystic to appear.

Perhaps a little Rumi for food.

“Those who don’t drink dawn like a cup of spring water or take in sunset like supper… those who don’t want to change, let them sleep.”

No painting occurred.  Really had no choice but to let it go.

If it’s not complete…what will I do?

July 1, 2009

I SEE A SNAKE…the Mystic!

Remembering at the bridal shower…’Mermaid’ running her fingers over an image of a snake in the Illustrated Rumi book.  “It’s so beautiful”.  Her total pleasure in that image. The look on her face.

Fighting for this snake…the Mystic.  Paint on, paint off…

Feeling the strong desire to “get it done”…

Is it enough?  Am I enough? Echo’s from the past…a child’s offer:  “You can have my whole heart…”

A bit of a night sky…a partial moon…and THEN, the pure pleasure…FIREWORKS…a 4th of July wedding…the whimsy…

July 4, 2009…brought nearly-finished painting to the wedding…just in case a wave of “it’s time to unveil” showed up.  It did not.

July 7, 2009

Full Oak Moon tonight…Wisdom and Love

So much has occurred since last week…the wedding…so much to feel… digest.

Sitting here, in love, with the Mystic and the Mermaid.  I’m desiring to have my experience of the wedding present as I move towards the final touches…the final kiss…of this canvas. That the wedding, the sacred union, through me, be fully presenced in the painting.

A Sacred Union

July 4, 2009

The arbor, the altar…our first, full body greeting.  It’s fullness. Touching me, at my core.  Indescribable.  Didn’t know what was happening.  Star struck. Dumbfounded, speechless, I kept saying “the arbor…oh, my God… isn’t it something?”  Art, devotion, prayer, sacred, portal…

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow”…did I dream I heard that?

The ceremony begins…

The Mystic and his companions come dancing down, connected by a silk ribbon…to entertain…to captivate…joyous, celebratory, beaming faces.

The Mermaid and her attendants appear from above…the mermaid mysteriously hidden behind luxurious silk…the curtain is lifted and she approaches…in all her glory…regal…queen…

They meet.

The ceremony continues…the officiates, faces full with love and honor, a magical tapestry…the weaving of lives…of families…of humanity…of the sacred…a sacred union. A breathtaking prayer sung…an unveiling of a man in honor of his beloved. Awe struck, speechless, spellbound.  Holding my breath. I don’t want to miss a morsel, not one heart beat of what’s happening.

Aware of the worlds coming together. Adoring each…amazing compatibility…in the name of love.

The vows. Woven and overlapping. His, hers, theirs.

Vows to honor each other’s soul’s purpose.

Vows to ‘remember’…the foundation of sacred.

Comfortable humor…arriving spontaneously.

Culminating with the introduction of  husband and wife.

Pure pleasure.

Afterward…much conversation about the ceremony…rich conversation… a speechless conversation: ”Wasn’t that something?”

Everyone deeply touched and inspired.

Delicious and nourishing reception…from many levels.

Illumination after illumination…

The Mystic, dancing Kokopelli…the Mermaid’s beaming face…pure magic.

September 23, 2009

Announcing the birth of the star baby… She arrived this evening…with abundant support on all levels… accompanied by prayers, sacred rattling, and soft candlelight.  7# 5 oz. of beauty, grace, and magic…we can’t wait to meet you….

September 14, 2009

Awaiting “Her” arrival…

“We are getting so so so excited, it could be any day now!!  any moment!  it’s almost all we can think about ”

Words of a very expectant mother…

From my journal while painting “Birth of a Star”…

February 18, 2009

Music is bringing me alive. Sweet relief from all my worry about my heart diagnosis.  Hope. I’m still in here. Refreshing breath. Creativity emerging.  Life force.

I pray that my heart soften on every level.  May I be informed of all that will support my heart and it’s healing.  Feeling my hatred of fear. Devoted to a soft heart… what do you do with hate?

Will I paint?

New canvas.  Do I see a color?

Pastels…light aqua or teal…pale yellow…

The fine line between worry and freedom. Between suffering and bliss. It’s an illusion that we can’t have bliss under any circumstances.

Cream edges, pale yellow. Veined, leaf like images appearing like magic under my rag.  Kept going until the magic ended.

Remind me of fireworks.  The leaf-like spears frame the open center.  Pointing towards it, sending energy in the center area.  “Sphere” shows up…letting it dry for awhile…enjoy a cup of tea.

Where am I now?  Haunted by worry.  Haunted by the essence of worry.  What is the antidote for worry?  A noticing. A redirect. “I’m worrying”…name the fear.  Move. Seek beauty. Seek love. Not to override, not to cover up, not to distract, but to cultivate and work a new muscle…or maybe it’s dissolving an old muscle…a dissolving of a pattern.

I put worry on the altar.

I see a pale aqua “bubble”…

March 4, 2009

Dancing…feeling the ecstasy of a song.  Feeling a deep, deep longing. First, I thought it was desire for immortality..but then I felt the longing to be just pulled up.  Up to the light, up to all that is, up to all knowing, up to eternity.  The eternal continuum.  Longing to know eternity.   That is the longing that I’m afraid will be met with disappointment.

Skyward bound

Open heart

Into the light

One with all that is

All knowing

Eternal

Heaven on earth

Can it be?

A playground for discovery

Eyes open with curiosity

Look around

Ask your questions

Share your light

For eternity is now

Painted four more orbs.

March 10, 2009

I touched a longing at the bodyworker’s today.  At the end, not wanting her to be finished. Not wanting the contact to end. The reassurance of touch.

The ache for touch

Reassurance, safety,

To know I exist

Contact…a merging

Skin against skin

Leisurely, receive all that I need,

A gift, a birth right

Cellular food

Nourishment for body and soul

March 11, 2009

This painting I’ve begun. The magical appearance of the spears…the pearls as I’ve been calling them.  Pastel bubbles. Balloons…DNA…I see many things.

I haven’t written this, because I’m feeling cautious.  I so don’t want to deceive mySelf…pretend something…create an experience that isn’t 100% authentic.  Tell a story to others…people I love…people that I believe respect me…that isn’t a true eruption from Timeless Dimension…that being said…last week, I had a blip…a moment…when I looked…very quickly , at the flash I received that this painting has arrived from the unborn, star baby.  Timeless Dimension, the eternal continuum, my prayers…could it be?  Will I know?

Seeing two circles…surrounding the bundle…seeing two more spheres first…

Rereading my words…the prayers that were coming as I painted the beginnings of this canvas. Feeling the launch coming directly from Timeless Dimension II and it’s eternal heartbeat…into ecstasy…into my longing to know eternity…then yesterday’s prayers about the cellular food of a mother’s touch.

How do you distinguish truth and longing?  It doesn’t matter. Back to nothing. Return to the canvas…feel the music…

Shift from suffering around this. Find my gratitude…curiosity…this place…being alone…

Painted green sphere and white sphere…can’t find the right color for the last one…Pink keeps coming…not what “I” wanted…finally, I gave in.  Pink it is.

March 18, 2009

Here I am, at the cabin…I’ve shown up to paint.

Facing the canvas… my unnamed “Pearls”.  Feel like one or two of the spheres need to come to the foreground. How to make them feel like spheres…3 dimensional? What will bind them together?  These pearls, this DNA, what would that look like?

The pink sphere…SHE needs to step forward…

3/24/09

My eight pearls…this painting has been another slow arrival…not seeing what’s next…would feel good to paint for an hour or so.  White pearl turned brown…minor touches…

April 1, 2009

Pema Chodron:  “Well being of mind is like a mountain lake without ripples”  “Everything can be seen….”

Added clouds around the “pearls”…too much…need to take some off.

April 6, 2009

At our weekend retreat, in response to the question: “Isn’t there an eight celled zygote?”…I googled and landed upon an amazing image…a breathtaking, confirming, “real life” image of an eight celled zygote.  Eight circular cells, nested together within a circular area…can it be?  Totally in love with this painting…with this miraculous experience…

4/15/09

Painting on the “pearls”…then, two gold rings.  Representing this marriage…the sacred union. “Birth of a star”, a light…a bright light.

A moment ago, looking at the bright star appearing before my eyes…upon completing it…having to look away. “Blinded by the light”

Be bathed in the light

Be humbled by the miracle of life

Gaze in awe

Honor the divinity

Be Star Struck

Unabashed adoration and love

Child borne unto you

Your community of love awaits your arrival…

June 16, 2009

This painting, truly, truly, ‘lived into’…more than any other.  An amazing, miraculous, unfolding.  One pulse after another…followed from beginning to blessed end…

From my journal…May 9, 2009:

Sitting here, imagining myself with my beloved community at our June gathering, telling my story, the story of my heart, which began on my birthday, February 9, 2009…(or is that 1957?)

Hearing my doctor’s words “You have it”…Hypertrophic Obstructive Cardiomyopathy.  A heart condition, inherited from my mother.  My doctor ending the call with “I’m so sorry”…a death sentence…that’s how I heard it.

Two weeks of waiting, scouring the internet for anything I could find. Every symptom, every related condition. Fear.

Met with cardiologist #1…detached, condescending, shocking references to breast cancer that sent me into more terror. Will need to reduce my physical activity. His hurriedness, his lack of attention, his total lack of comfort or reassurance. Total overwhelm. Tests.

Stress test…great news.  Heart physically unaffected during exercise. Relief, hope.  Heart monitor captured a Ventricular Tachycardia…his consulting with an electrical specialist…defibrillator?  No, come back in a year.

I need a new cardiologist.  #2…calmer, more spacious, much better fit for me. She’s uneasy.  She recommends a defibrillator.  Tears, expression, fear, questions…courage. Refers me to another electrical specialist to confirm.

More waiting. New healer, new nutritionist, my spiritual mentor…my team is growing.

“Fear is the natural response as we get closer to the truth”…Pema Chodron…those words ringing in my ears.  My heart is in fear…has been for so very long.  The weariness of holding the secret…holding the burden…too  much.  Refusing to keep this secret any longer. I know what I need to do.

My public ‘coming out’…my exhibit in support of Sexual Abuse Awareness Month…exposing my paintings for what they really are.  A reflection of my healing…my healing from the memories of childhood sexual abuse…confusing memories, partial memories…

Also, coming out to my family…making call after call…relieving myself of this burden.  Breaking the pact that was taken on by a little girl, an honorable little girl, who thought she’d done something wrong.  Setting my heart free.

A shift happening…facing my fear of men…feeling a new acceptance, a new trust of men.  An amazing healer…a man.  Other men showing up in a new way.  This is not a coincidence.

My prayers for a miraculous cellular realignment of my heart…

Do I dare believe in miracles?

Do I dare risk disappointment?

If I were to receive a miracle, what would I have to give up?  What would that mean?  What could I no longer ignore or deny about mySelf? What would my life look like?  What would I be devoted to? Is this a test?  Is this an initiation?  Then again, if the miracle does not occur…why would I imbue the mysteries of this life with any less wonder and awe?  Why would I imbue my life with any less opportunity, less joy, less freedom, less love?

What is the heart of the matter?

May 19, 2009

My new canvas…teal and gold…meeting in a yin/yang kind of way.  Perhaps this is an integration of some kind…a new found trust in the divine masculine.

Adding the “she”…the “me”…arms up overhead…”jubilation”

The bluffs, lit from behind. Birds chattering away. Soft music. Gratitude for this beauty. I so do love my life, this earth; my heart breaks to think I’ll have to leave it some day. It’s so glorious. I am so fortunate to have this place.  “Haven of my Heart”.

Feeling a deep desire…a new “something about now”…The power, the contentment, the full breath. The “no where to get to”…the relief in that, the pleasure. It feels new.  The phrase “being in the moment” always feels trite…but right now, I’m feeling it.  There is truly no where I’d rather be.  There is no where to get to.

May 23, 2009

Final test recommended by the electrical specialist…an MRI.  Now, to wait for the results.  Will it be a clear answer?

Feeling many stirrings these past few days. Thoughts about death, leaving my body, leaving the earth…does coming to terms with death bring you closer to death? Invite death? Illness?  Superstition….

“Jubilation” this new painting…setting her on the altar as I leave for the week…can this be me…is this me next week…will the MRI set me free?

Jubilation despite circumstances. Despite others, despite outside influences, despite what “they” say. Jubilation despite health issues that supposedly exist. Jubilation just because I can.  Jubilation as a choice. Jubilation while I wait. Jubilation simply by being here now. Nothing else even exists.  Truly…there is nothing, except this moment. Self generated jubilation. Cellular jubilation.

Unencumbered…an unencumbered life…my prayer.

Cautiously optimistic…not quite jubilant…

May 28, 2009

“The results of your MRI show no cellular irregularity…I would not give you the diagnosis of Hypertrophic Obstruction Cardiomyopathy…” my lovely, amazing, tenatious, thorough, partner of the heart….

How do I digest these past four months?

The fear factor, my “coming out”, all of it?

I received my miracle.

I painted my future.

Now, who am I to be?

I long for integration.

June 16, 2009

I’m free…

This was a miracle that dared to be prayed.

This was a grand initiation.

A fine tapestry of happenings…

God’s plan…

The integration continues… it truly is a New Day.